THE Price of Laotian Love: The People’s Democratic Republic of Laos is a little country with an anachronistic government and wonderful people. I first went to its toy-town capital of Vientiane almost 12 years ago and have returned every few years and watched as it has gradually grown up, or been subverted, depending upon your point of view with regard to its nightlife.

Where once an assignat-ion with a Lao female of extremely friendly demeanour was frowned upon and difficult to arrange, nowadays there’s a very relaxed attitude. Receptionists in hotels in the mid-price range group no longer look disapprovingly if a foreign male returns arm-in-arm to his room with a Lao lady whose name he has already probably forgotten. A decade ago the receptionist would have said he had to charge extra for the woman, even if the lady only intended staying for a brief period of time. Now it’s pretty much the same attitude you’ll find in most sleeping dens in Fun Town.

In Vientiane the group I was with wandered into an upstairs bar on Fa Ngum Road, which runs alongside the Mekong River, and although there were plenty of foreign traveller types propping up barstools and watching the English football, the majority of females were Laotian and appeared to be regulars. 

     One of my mates decided he liked the come hither look of one of a trio of damsels sat at the table next to us and after a period of time he arranged for one of their number to return to his hotel for a short time of exploring each other’s bodily cavities. The price she wanted was 800 baht (although the Lao currency is the kip, it’s not worth much more than the Zimbabwean dollar, and most people in Vientiane are happy to deal in US dollars or Thai baht). Negotiations had apparently started at 1,000 baht before coming down in the time-honoured tradition of Asian bartering. 

     The night entertainment places of Laos have a midnight closing time and by the time the clock had struck the appointed hour most tumescent males and almost all the females in the place had paired off and so the Laotian underground economy was going to be quite a few thousand baht better off by the following morning. 

     We also visited the old royal capital of Luang Prabang for three days and were told ladies of questionable morals did not ply their trade in this popular tourist destination. Needless to say, almost every taxi and tuk-tuk driver in the small town was offering us “opium, ganja, lady?” There’s no doubt that whatever after-sundown entertainment involving willing females and sums of money is available in Luang Prabang is not overt but, as the song says, ‘you can get it if you really want it’. 

     The Price of Thai Elections: The anachronistic electoral laws in Thailand that treat every voter as if they will become a complete moron and be rendered incapable of casting a ballot if they can go into a bar and obtain alcoholic sustenance in the 24-hours leading up to an election have well and truly severely damaged the overall local economy in recent months. 

     I have no financial interest in any boozer or noshery in Pattaya, so writing about the effects of closures is not out of self-interest. I think the logic behind the closures is flawed, in the extreme. The idea is to keep eligible constituents sober so they will cast a sensible ballot the following day. Yet anyone who has had much to do with the average Thai will know all they require to get on the turps in flammable quantities is a stone table and seats, a stereo system capable of being turned up to 8,000 decibels, and a few willing mates. In this capacity they are then able to drink themselves into oblivion. 

     Does anyone seriously believe that closing boozers, or, if they are permitted to stay open, requiring them to only serve ly water to their customers, will bring out the electorate? That question, of course, is rhetorical. 

     So, what is the economic loss worth? There are around 80 ogling dens in Fun Town and a very wild guess on my part suggests on a Saturday night they would average 60,000 baht in turnover. Some take upwards of 100,000 baht, others may be as low as 25,000-30,000 baht, so erring on the lower side of the ledger and suggesting the average is 60,000 baht means there is almost five million baht not being taken over the bar counters in the chrome pole palaces. 

     The average den would probably see about 50 individual customers per night. Again, some would have 200 or more faces, others might struggle to attract 20. Erring once more on the low side, if 50 individuals leave an average tip of 10-baht for the serving wenches, that’s at least another 40,000 baht not being spent. And that money goes directly into the pockets of people who really need it most. 

     So, multiply the above ‘rubbery’ figures by some five (or is it now six?) nights of lost revenue in the last four or five months and there’s at least 30-million baht not spent and 200,000 baht in tips not earned. 

     With the advent of the mobile phone and text messaging, the ladies who cavort around the chrome poles are less disadvantaged by bar closures. Many might take the night off completely to hang out and get drunk with their Thai boyfriend (and forget to vote the next day), while others will be sending messages of undying love and devotion and desire for raunchy sex to their collection of expatriate ATMs. ‘How you now. I want come see you. Bar close. Not have to pay bar, only me, darkling,’ is how a sample text might read. 

     It’s not just boozers that are affected. People who are aware of the closures and who might normally come down from Bangkok for the weekend will stay away, so hotels and their staff and local restaurants, and their staff, all suffer reduced trade. 

     Perhaps the most sensible way around this if the government can’t bring itself to lift the bar opening ban completely, would be to allow places to open as usual and close at midnight instead of the official 2:00AM. As far as enforcing the midnight closures are concerned, the local peelers should start with Thai joints first: the discos on Third Road and karaoke dens before working their way down to places frequented predominantly by foreigners. Don’t worry, I won’t be holding my breath for something like this to happen. 

     Getting into the Zone: It may be worth ignoring my most recent comments regarding the X-Zone ogling den (Soi 16, off Walking Street) as the place has been sold and a new management team took over at the start of May. The new owners, so I believe, are from Belgium and paid a fairly substantial amount for the den. If they still have any money left I suggest making some drastic improvements to the staircase leading up to the bar as this poorly-constructed section must surely discourage many potential customers. Hopefully the place will be better for the change. 

     The Champagne ogling den (Soi LK Metro) has re-opened after a lengthy peeler-enforced closure. Early reports suggest it is struggling to regain the ground it lost while closed for such a long time. Just up the same soi the strangely-named Gorkle ogling den appears to have finally closed its doors.
     Another den which has closed its doors is the Tramps show joint (upstairs in Soi Diamond). After a promising start offering entertainment of a truly ‘downmarket’ nature it attracted some unwanted attention from the local plod and looks to have well and truly closed its legs. 

     Out of the Rumour Mill: There are suggestions one of Fun Town’s most active ogling den investors and operators is considering getting out of the business, or, at the very least, paring his string of chrome pole palaces down to just one establishment. Certainly, his most successful and popular play palace is up for sale. All should be revealed in the coming weeks. 

     Tales from the Crib: A friend of mine recently became enchanted with a lithe young chrome pole molester at a popular off-Walking Street ogling den and in a state of between-the-legs excitement willingly paid the bar fine and brought the damsel back to his humble abode with plans to satisfy his and her every physical whim. 

     The lady partook of the traditional pre-coital shower, as did my friend, and the happy couple repaired to the spacious bed. My friend is like many men I know: a closet lesbian, keen to use his tongue in a form of oral stimulation that doesn’t involve words on a part of the female anatomy normally most receptive to such a fine licking. 

     As he wore the taste buds off his rapidly aching tongue he became aware the lady whose pleasure he was attempting to stimulate had fallen asleep. He claims he woke her up and the damsel explained she much preferred a jolly good rogering to a long fine licking. 

     Piece of Pith: Noi disappeared from the Paradise A-Go-Go last week, and she hasn’t been obscene since. (Rae Lambert, artist and cartoonist)

From: http://www.pattayatoday.net/index.php?action=show&type=news&id=3020